slaps

I recently created a database for my department that monitors peoples' productivity as well as having the ability to track turnaround times for various pieces of work. I managed to roll it out as the "Service Level Agreement & Productivity System" without noticing that the acronym was SLAPS. It’s too late to change now, so that’s how it’s going to stay.

Sweet

(P.S. I should also add that it wasn't my idea for the database. Where I work, people are rewarded for high productivity, and there had to be a fair way of measuring it)

it's a sign

I saw a sign on a shop door yesterday: “Back in 20 minutes”.

Seriously, what fucking use is that? What time did you leave? When should we send out the search party.

Idiot

the games

It seems odd that we booked our Commonwealth Games tickets almost a year ago, and now it's here! Well, it's half past here at the moment and I'm only just posting about the opening ceremony now. Perhaps I'll bullet point things, it'll be easier to write.

• The seats were great! We sat facing the ramp that all the atheletes came down
• There was a flying tram with wings... and other flying stuff...
  
• Something about a child's imagination, and a duck
• There were koalas there as well
• The Queen gave a speech
• atheletes
• fireworks
• ...
  

Anyway, I remember being impressed by it, but my memories fade pretty quicky. That's why I keep digital memories like these:


We also went to the womens gymnastics on Saturday, which would have been cool, but no one seemed able to stay on their feet! I caught a few of the offenders in action:


Next stop will be some athletics finals on Saturday back at the MCG. It's supposed to be a hot day, so fingers crossed for a nice evening.

god save the swagman

It was discovered last week (or thereabouts) that organisers of the Commonwealth Games wouldn't be playing God Save the Queen at the opening ceremony. What the hell? It's the COMMONWEALTH games and the QUEEN is going to be there who, like it or not, is Australia's head of state.

If I went out and mugged someone because I didn't see the relevance of police in a modern society, I'd be locked up. Even though I don't believe in the rules, I still need to live by them. Laws are put in place by politicians who are elected into that role by the people. The majority of people, which brings me to my next point:

In 1999, Australians had the choice to abandon the Queen in favour of a President, but this was rejected. Does this not mean that the majority of Australians like the idea of the monarchy? I agree that the concept is pretty outdated and can't see it surviving the next referendum, but at the moment that's the regime. Surely with the huge international profile that the games will have, Australia should be wary of how this will be viewed by the rest of the world, so far they're coming off as ill-mannered and disrespectful.

rain

There was a bit of rain here on Saturday.

"a bit of" = a hell of a lot of
"rain" = most of the world's water supply falling from the sky

It managed to force it's way in through the wall behind the oven, the top of the window frame in the bathroom and the ceiling in the lounge. No damage to our stuff though, so all is good.
I took this video outside from under an umbrella. If you listen at around 0.28 secs, there's a cool clap of thunder.


That is all

pump some iron

2 years, 3 months and 7 days... that's how much time had passed since I'd done any exercise that didn't involve carrying my washing machine up and down stairs. I realised this when me and Deb were putting together a photo album that included some taken of me in the midst of my clubbing career in London. I think if I tried doing an 8 hour doof session now, I'd either die of a heart attack, or my man boobs would jerk so hard they'd tear off from my neck down.
Which is why I've joined the gym. No more bitch tits, no more mono-ab, pack your bags fellas, you're off.
I've only been to 3 sessions so far, but I feel really good about it. The first few weeks are supposed to be the hardest, but this time around, I can't wait to get back. A few sore muscles here and there, but they disappear as soon as I walk through the door.
One thing I'd change though is the communal shower. The last time I showered with other guys was probably at intermediate, so it'll be a few more weeks before I forget that my junk is on show. Most people are obviously more than used to it, which is fine, but some of them stay in the shower for close to 20 minutes. If they aren't clean by that time, they aren't going to get clean. They're either there to perv at everyone, or to wave their third leg around. Surely there are places you can go to that specialise in that kind of thing?

stuff on the walls

After talking about it for ages, putting it off and changing our minds, we finally have a bit of colour on the walls here. It's nice to have something to break up the big blank spaces, especially knowing that they're both "original works".

The canvas print we ordered arrived last week. The lower right corner is a bit dark, but that's my fault for not setting up my monitor properly.



We have a bunch of photos that would look good on display, but didn't like any of the pre made photo frames that you can get, so we had one custom made. The photo doesn't do it justice, but the frame is matte black, with a canvas textured black photo mat with a white inner border. There's also a black mat without the border tucked away, so we can customise how it looks depending on what photo is in there. Wow, I didn't realise how boring that sounded until I read it again. I really need to get out more!
That said, something else I want to get done in the future is a set of four frames to hold some photos from my failed Monopoly™ project.

The original plan was to take photos of everything on the original Monopoly board and make my own board with photos. I managed to get about 9 pieces done before it was time to leave the country. Oh well.
Tune in next week for more exciting adventures.

storm in a teacup

stuff

When you don't have anything to say, it's nice to let the internet do the talking:

I love the idea of my wife
Beer Bot
Unintentionally sexual comic book covers
Blair & Bush at the Gay Bar

new year

A quick recap:
Went home for Christmas to visit the folks. A bit of rain, a bit of sun, your standard Dunedin summer holiday :)

New Years in Melbourne was hot. 43° hot. We sat around for the day, trying to keep cool and then went out for dinner. I think the heat must have been a bit much for us, because after two drinks, we were both feeling seedy enough to just go home. We got off the train at Camberwell just in time or see the fireworks in the city. They were pretty far away by that point, but at least we were a part of it :)

I've got a short term role as a team manager at work which is pretty cool. It's only for a month before I move into my new role as a continuous improvement...guy. It's basically going to involve designing and implementing a workflow and reporting database. It's going to be challenging because I've only done it on a small scale before, not one that will be used by 70-80 people! I'm gong to have to hone the old Access skills a bit, but at least the money will be a bit better.

..what else? It's time to spruce up the flat a bit. I'm getting a canvas print done of the london eye. The photo has been chunkified so it's more an arty kind of thing:


It looks pretty cool printed on photo paper, but it may look different on a 12" by 18" canvas. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

the cold little toe of new zealand

Me & Debs are off to Dunedin on Friday to see our families for Christmas. I'm looking forward to getting away from work for a week, where I can relax without having to fix spreadsheets or databases. The only technology I'll be using will be my ipod, and the only spreadsheet will be the one pulled up to my chin before I go to sleep.

sydney

I must be doing something right at work, because I got to go to Sydney on company money. Sure, I had to attend a day long CEO forum that was drier than a truckful of flour, but they put me up at the Hilton, so all is forgiven. The 43rd floor is pretty cool, unless you get the elevator all to yourself, with no stops on the way up. With the hangover that I had after my first night there, it was hard work dealing with the pressure change.

(based on my two days there) Sydney seems to have a lot going for it. It doesn't feel like it's trying a hard as Melbourne to be cool. A lot of Melbournians will talk your ear off telling you everything that's so great about their home, to the point that it all just becomes white noise. Sydney(ers, ites?) don't have the same affliction. They aren't as friendly, but at least they know how to keep the noise down a little. Maybe I'm getting old, but why does every second person I meet have their volume knob stuck on obnoxious prick? My guess is the large Greek/Italian influence, where members of a 12 strong catholic family had to yell to be heard when they were kids. I swear, it's like I'm at a club where everyone but me can hear the music and feels they have to shout their conversation.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Sydney is cool, but the weather was average. Here's a few pics of the bridge and opera house on an overcast day:

wine = good

We hired a car a few weekends ago to sort out some errands that are hard to do on foot. Apart from being able to hoon from place to place without waiting 20 minutes for a bloody train, we were able to pick up loads of heavy groceries, ceramic pots (for plants) and a barbeque:
We've since used it most nights to cook up some awesome steaks, chicken kebabs and a
couple of token vegetables. The neighbourhood cat can smell raw steak from 500m, so we've only managed to eat outside once without being bothered. Every other meal is spent being glared at through the screen door. I swear this cat was human in a past life because it really knows how to make you feel uncomfortable.

Anyway, we still had the car on the Sunday, so went down the Mornington Peninsula. As well as tracking down a cheese shop in the middle of the bush and going to a boutique chocolate shop in the middle of nowhere, we visited a couple of vineyards.

We managed to blow our budget and spend a couple of hundred dollars, but it was well worth it. We got 7 great bottles of wine, including the best shiraz I've had to date. There's only one of the shiraz left now and I'm trying really hard to keep it for a special occasion. Everyday things seem to have become more special lately. I can't say if it's related.

november already?

So this has turned out to be a bit of a joke. Whenever something interesting happens in my life, I'm too busy actually doing it instead of writing about it. Once things have died down again, my memories are so vague that I can't recall enough detail to write anything.
Today, I might just leave a few key points so I can look back in a year's time and remember what I was doing at the time:

Next week, I'm going to Sydney for work. I get to meet a bunch of people who I've only ever spoken to over the last 18 months and spend the night at the Hilton. The next day is a CEO forum where the bigwigs give presentations and ask us (the plebs) where we think the company is headed. It's really just a reward for a select few achievers so they feel better about the average salary. They'll see through me eventually, but until that day, I'm more than happy to take their fancy hotels :)

My parents tried to get me to play an instrument when I was younger, knowing full well how happy it would make me. Piano lessons, trumpet lessons (and one evening of violin) just didn't agree with me at the time. Now that I'm older and full of regret, I'm going to try again. This time with the saxomophone. It's always been one of those instruments that's been pretty cool in my eyes, and I've found a place that rents new ones pretty cheap. After a year, if you want to buy it, they will put all the rental money towards the cost. You can't beat that deal!
Anna, if you've got any tips can you let me know? I realise that I'll probably have to ditch the tongue stud, but we've all got to make sacrifices.

I'm getting a new tattoo in six months or so. I haven't got the design totally figured out, but if anyone knows the tattoo that Seth from Dusk till Dawn has, it's pretty close. I want it to start at the top of my tricep, climb up over my shoulder and stick slightly out of my collar. Mum has already freaked out at the idea, so I know I must be on the right track. The problem is, I have almost no muscle mass and therefore bugger all shoulder to tattoo. I guess it would be cheaper having to use less ink, but I'm joining my work gym next month to bulk up instead. Should be fun.

A man goes to the zoo. When he arrives, there is just a dog sat in a cage.

It was a Shitzu.

(Thanks Anna!)

all the small things

Wow, I haven't checked in here since August. Sorry to anyone who actually reads this thing! (and by that I mean "Hi Mum!")

I spend my days at work ranting to people. My old Channel 4 crew can vouch for that, and I thank them for their saintly tolerance. The problem is, when I get home, I'm all ranted out. I suppose I could write about my day, but that is boring to write as it would be to read (again, my mum is probably an exception)

As my creative side is having the evening off, I'd like to take the time to acknowledge everything that makes life great. I'm not on anything that I know of, but some things just need to be noted:

Pickled Onion Flavoured Monster Munch
The English are a funny bunch. They eat jellied eels, read News of the World and have a different accent for every postcode. They also invented Pickled Onion Monster Munch. Please note the capitalisation, it was earned. I'm lucky to have found a shop in Melbourne that imports UK foods, so I can see many of my hard earned Australian dollars being spent on this most savoury of snacks.

Hellman's Mayonnaise
Have you ever had chips with tomato sauce and thought there was something missing?
There is.

Red Wine
I'm by no means a connoisseur, but give me a bottle of Pinot or Cab Sav and I'm sorted. Deb and I went to a Riedel master class a few days ago to get a set of wine glasses and to see if wine really did taste better out of custom shaped glasses. I always thought it was a con when people said that each variety of wine needs a different shaped glass, but I'm happy to say I was totally wrong and will never drink out of the wrong glass again.

Home Grown Anything
I planted some radish seeds in a planter a few weeks ago, not really thinking anything would happen. It's now three weeks later and I feel like an expecting father! We'll get enough for a couple of salads, so long as the possums don't figure out that they're food.

Meat
I realise the world's people are slowly turning vegetarian. More power to them ...as long as no one tries indoctrinating me. I can put up with the tree hugging and the hemp jeans, but if you hippies try making me drink my wine with some kind of tofu meat replacement, you'll want to be wearing your best running sandals.

There's more than those few things that make me tick, can you guess any others?
Answers, please, on the back of a postcard...

just a quickie

No updates really.
Went to Bar Open in Brunswick last weekend for a mates birthday. A "live big-band, hip-hop" group was playing (called Morph I think). It was the kind of music that makes you wonder why the band isn't famous and how also long it would take you to learn the flute. It was made up of a drummer, keyboard player, synth player and a frontman that played the flute, clarinet and saxophone (of course all at different times)

This Friday gone, I went to another bar north of the city (Lomond) to see a mate's band play. They were really good as well, but a slightly more laid back sound, and they can jam like noone else I've ever heard. They managed to build entire songs, with lyrics and all totally from scratch. Very cool.
I then managed to get home, after paying almost $30 for a taxi. It really makes you wish the trains ran 24-7

and more booze

After work on Friday, a few of us went out for some much needed beer. We got a seat beside a stained glass window and settled in for a session of jugs, bourbon and general messiness.
A few hours later, it was revealed that the pub we were in used to host... err... female entertainment of some variety. If I had any doubt about that, it was removed when someone showed me details of the window we were sitting beside:

Verdict: Boobies

happy birthday old chap

It's dad's birthday today, so in case you're checking in Dad, Happy Birthday!

booze

The best argument I have in my favour is that alcoholics go to meetings. I don't go to any AA gatherings, and couldn't name any of their famous "12 steps", therefore I can't be an alcoholic.
Yeah, I like to have a couple of glasses of wine over dinner, but that's not every night. It's also true that I've got a bourbon beside me as I write this, but it's purely medicinal. Some people take valium, others count sheep. I have bourbon with a drop of Coke™ to help me close my eyes at the end of the day.
It's not like I need to have it, but people don't need to have the latest fashion either. You try telling that to your average Melbourne pretty-fucker and you're likely to get swatted with an oversized pair of sunglasses. My point is, everyone has their own little obsession, but some of those are judged more harshly by society than others. Don't tell me that I drink too much, because you're the dickhead sitting in your Chapel Street flat, freezing, because you blew your money on a new pair of shoes instead of paying your heating bill.
Who's going to be worse off huh?

sin city

I love going into a movie and not knowing what to expect. This happened yesterday afternoon with Sin City.

It's basically a film version of 3 graphic novels from the early 90's and looks exactly as you'd expect. Batman and Spiderman have both successfully been adapted for the big screen, but Sin City hasn't been adapted at all. It's been totally enlarged.
Each scene looks like it's jumped right out of a comic, which makes sense, as the director used the original comics as the storyboard.
It was shot in black and white, with splashes of colour, so most of the blood is either black, white or yellow (...it makes sense when you see it), and there's enough violence to satisfy anyone's inner sadist. My favourite scene has to be where a big dude (Mickey Rourke) is driving down the road with his door open, dragging another guy along the ashphalt by his face. Here's the original comic. The film scene looks the same, but it's moving :)

The whole thing was shot in front of green screens, so every background was added in later. The black and white is stunning, and any scene with a moving car looks incredible.

Verdict: You're not going to get a better big screen version of a comic. It's just not possible.