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ricky gervais podcasts

It's been a bit of a long wait, but the podcasts are back! The last release was at the start of April, and we've had to do without Karl Pilkington's unique views of the world for those four months.
If you've never heard the show, it's essentially 3 guys sitting around talking shit. It helps that two of those guys are award winning comedians (Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant) and the other is some kind of savant. I have never heard someone so honest and transparent, which makes every observation just that much funnier. Asked whether he would feel comfortable touching another man's testicles (after a head swap operation), he said it would be ok because it would be another man's hands as well.
To finish, here's a poem he wrote after reading that moths are blind and that a prehistoric body was dug up that appeared to have used a type of hair gel:

If moths had eyes would they be happier?
How do they know they're not dead?
Cavemen hunting for food
But not before they style the hair on their head

What would last longer in dinosaur times?
A blind man didn't stand a chance
Not with all them rocks about
I'd rather be a blind moth

Genius

gould's book of fish

For a change, I thought I'd read a bit of award winning literature during my commuting instead of just the newspaper over someone's shoulder. Maybe I should either stick to what I know, or work my way up to this kind of flowery stuff. Here's the first paragraph to give you an idea of what I had to trawl through (haha, trawl. Unintentional fish joke... ah, whatever)

My wonder upon discovering the Book of Fish remains with me yet, luminous as the phosphorescent marbling that seized my eyes that strange morning; glittering as those eerie swirls that coloured my mind and enchanted my soul — which there and then began the process of unravelling my heart and, worse still, my life into the poor, scraggy skein that is this story you are about to read.

I was going to stick a bit of a review in here, but I was never a fan of English and hated writing at school. Buggered if I'm going to do it in my own time!

Verdict: flowery but different enough from my usual fare to keep me interested.

ban comic sans

I thought I was alone, but I have found kindred spirits at bancomicsans.com.
From restaurant menus to staff newsletters to school exams, Comic Sans has pervaded society to the point of suffocation. In 10 short years it has become the default font for the majority of people across every profession. I remember a real estate company in London who used it for their logo. Imagine seeing this shit in metre tall letters...
Join me in getting this font off all documents and signage. It should only ever be on kids toys or kindergarten newsletters (note, not school websites. Sorry Andy Bay School, you really have to get rid of that purple comic font. Pull your web designer out of their maths class for 5 minutes and get them to change it.)

once were still are warriors

So there's a bit of controversy at home at the moment: A researcher is claiming that a "warrior" gene is being carried by a large number of Maori, which may be responsible for aggressive behaviour.
Instead of joining in on the heated discussion, here's a dog dressed as a rabbit:

census

It was Census night in Australia tonight. Finally, I got to enter my real religion:

what not to do

Some guy has pulled together a bunch of MAME cabinets that have serious issues.
Hopefully mine doesn't end up on there.
(Click the image to go to the site)

comic stuff

It's nice to have a laugh now and then, so those who have my sense of humour will enjoy this site (also, those who have my sense of humour are asked to return it)
The Perry Bible Fellowship


And if you've got a bit of geek in you, some of these are funny as well
Penny Arcade

a bunch of wank

Don't like walking or riding a bike to raise money for good causes? Can't bake a cake to save your ass? Most charity fundraising involves a lot of walking around selling badges or cheap rubber noses. Surely there's more fun ways to help charities!!

masturbate-a-thon

errr... stuff

The Vader Sessions (big file, but worth the wait)

work has it's perks

On Monday night I flew to Sydney to attend a workshop the following day. It was a much higher level than I expected, making decisions that would affect thousands of people. I got through the day by answering any question that was aimed at me and stroking my beard¹ at the right time. There's nothing else to report really, the flight up was good, the hotel was nice, the flight back was fine too. The cab driver from the airport kept falling asleep at the wheel unless I spoke to him, but I got the obligatory Krispy Kremes² home safely.

1. I don't have a beard. In fact I was clean shaven for the first time in months.
2. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts were, until last month, only available in NSW. Sydney airport does a roaring trade selling dozens at a time to passengers on their way back to Melbourne. The store that opened in Melbourne still has queues that are regularly 3 hours long.

do you know what this is?

www.canwetrustyou.co.uk

cabinet part vii

I've put in another couple of hours this weekend. It's hard to get started too early in the morning because we live so close to a lot of other people. A jigsaw can make a lot of noise when it echoes around a little car hole. It's also pretty cold until after 10.30 or so and the light gets hard to work in after about 3.30. Add in lunch and a poop here and there and that only leaves 4 hours or so a day. When you also factor in my total lack of woodworking skills, I'm pretty chuffed that I've got as much done as I have!


Anyway, I've now got every piece cut out and pretty much sanded, ready for construction. I just need to wait for the t-molding to arrive so I can make sure it fits the slot that I'll be routing out. I can't afford any more wood, so everything has to work first time!
Since it's as hard as hell to cut a straight line with a jigsaw, I'll also have to wait for my sander to arrive so I can buzz everything into shape. I tried doing it manually, by I still have soft office hands, so they didn't last long.
I might also invest in a broom...

a day off work

So... the lunch I mentioned below was a bit bigger than it should have been. I haven't been to a buffet for a long time and forgot that you're supposed to stop eating once you've had enough. We both overdid it a bit and were uncomfortable for hours afterwards.

After a walk around the Yarra to get rid of some of the pain, we found ourselves at a playground. As it wasn't school holidays and Docklands is dead at the best of times, we had the place to ourselves. With that huge lunch inside, these spinning things wreaked havoc on our insides, but it was good fun anyway.
After leaving behind a ring that I found lying around, we went to the Da Vinci machines exhibition. That guy was pretty clued up (and had quite a fixation on weapons and war).


To finish the day off, we went and saw Sione's Wedding. I wasn't expecting anything great, so was pleased to discover a nice non-offensive Kiwi(/Samoan) film. The story was totally predictable, but seeing it through the eyes of a group of Samoans gave it a different enough spin to make it enjoyable.

cabinet part vi

Had a day off work today to spend some time in the city with Deb but without the weeked crowds. Before going in though, I was granted a couple hours to myself, so I ended up downstairs. I think it was about 6° and since I don't have a large wardrobe I don't have an old jumper to wear...tshirt only. So anyway, yeah it was cold.
I think the cold must have affected me a bit, because I had to measure things half a dozen times before I was comfortable that the dimensions were right.
Anyway, here's the resulting main bottom panels (there's two of them, but they're so perfectly cut you can't tell :)


If you can't remember how it's going to look, take a look here.
Now I'm off to town for a nice relaxing lunch then off to see a Da Vinci machines exhibition.

blast from the past

As I was pretty much incapacitated on Saturday, it was mainly spent sitting around reading or watching telly. By pure chance, I turned on a channel that I never watch (Lifestyle or some crap) and saw a program called Gadget World. It looked like it was a couple of years old, but there was nothing else on so I kept watching. They had an article about the Joystick Junkies retro games night, which set a few bells ringing. I called Deb into the lounge just in time to see Leigh, an old mate from London being interviewed. What are the chances of that?

verdict: coincidence?

cabinet part v

On Sunday,  measured up and got cutting. As there's no power downstairs, I had to hang an extension cord out of the top window, but as long as it didn't rain I would be fine. Naturally, not long after I got started, hailstones the size of marbles started falling from the sky. I sat those out hoping it wouldn't rain, which didn't happen until the light got too low to work in.

The jigsaw took a little getting used to (and probably wasn't the perfect tool for the job) but I've got the two top side panels cut out and I think the rest will be a lot faster. (note the dustmask. mdf dust is a killer) After tidying up, I came inside to sit around and listen to the rain. As our garage has a couple of small leaks, after half an hour I thought I'd pop down and make sure everything was ok. I'm pleased I did, because water had come in over a metre past the edge of the door, getting everything wet. I can't imagine mdf being very forgiving when it comes to water, so hopefully I got to it soon enough and it won't be to damaged.

It's still winter here, so the sun starts going down around 4pm. By the time I get home from work, it's pretty much black, so I won't be able to do anything again until Saturday! At least now I know what to expect and have everything at my disposal so I can make some real progress. I'd like to be able to start putting things together next Sunday.

verdict: this thing is going to be as heavy as a motherfucker

dp awards

I had my divisional awards night on Friday night. It was a 70s theme, so I tracked down a safari suit, polyester shirt and afro for the occasion. Considering it was a work function it was actually quite a fun night, helped - I guess - by the fact that my team of 4 won the team of the year award. I think this means a trip to Sydney on company money to attend the Personal Insurance awards night.

Afterwards a couple of us went to the Purple Emerald for some jazz and more booze. I discovered there that mojitos are actually stronger than they appear and rocked home at a gentlemanly 3am (I was quite proud of that, until I remembered that in my heyday 3am was when the night was still getting started!)
If you look really closely, you may be able to tell which photo was taken at the start of the night and which was taken at the end.

google earth sees all

I was about to hit the sack when I found out that Google Earth now has Dunedin in it's sights!



If you have Google Earth, download the kmz files and have a nosey.
Parents
Goobs

UPDATE: I took the Google Earth files down as I couldn't be bothered updating them when we changed ISP.

cabinet part iv

Right, I've definitely spent enough for now. I ordered a few extras today that will give things a nice finish.
The trackball will be great for games like Missile Command and Centipede as well as acting as a mouse for the PC functions. Also, no games cabinet is ever going to feel authentic unless you can fill the bugger with 20 cent pieces (which will actually register the coins and add credits accordingly)

Deb must be one of the most patient people I know

that guy who dances on the internet

I've been drinking, so you probably won't find this as funny as I have:
A guy travelled around the world and filmed himself dancing. Simple concept, but I think it turned out pretty cool.
See the video here

distracted

So, it's going to be a really long week. Now that I have everything I need except the wood, I'm impatient to get started and am finding it hard to concentrate at work. I realise it's dumb to be so excited about playing Asteroids in the lounge, but it's been over three months since I decided to make this thing and finally being this close is distracting.
That's why I'm writing this at work.

I found a program that acts as a front end for the games. Instead of selecting from a list, you walk around an arcade to find the game you want. You can display the cabinets as they originally appeared with all the side art and marquees as well as showing either screenshots or short videos on the screens:

It does seem a bit intense to render a big 3D environment just so you can play pacman, but it's pretty cool and adds a new element to the system.

I've also decided to use a 21" computer monitor instead of a TV for the screen. It will look slightly less authentic than a TV would, but it also means I'll be able to use it as a computer as well.

cabinet part iii

The plan was to wait until the weather cleared up enough so I could work on the terrace. It turns out I have the patience of a fruitfly, so I went to Bunnings on Friday (a day off work) , ordered the wood and bought a bunch of other stuff to go into or onto it.
Naturally I didn't notice until I got home that one of the router pieces I bought was missing some parts, so I'll be back in tomorrow.
$1000 spent and counting. Luckily half of that was on tools, so if I decide to make another one, it won't cost anywhere near as much.

If all goes well, next Sunday will be the first cut, so fingers crossed that I still have fingers to cross by the end of the day.

Edit 16.07.06: Went back to Bunnings and exchanged the router bit. Turns out I got the wrong jigsaw blades too, so I swapped those as well. Since I was there, it seemed a waste to walk out with nothing new, so I added a bunch of bolts for the joysticks and some primer and enamel paint for the cabinet. I decided that laminate would:

1. Be too expensive
2. Be too hard to work with
3. Add yet more weight to the behemoth. It's going to be ridiculous as it is.

elephants leg

There used to be a fish 'n' chip shop in Camberwell. It wasn't bad, but nothing amazing and they closed down about 6 months ago. Every day since then, I've been wishing that someone opened a kebab shop in that location because there isn't one near enough to our flat when we're pissed. It's one of the first shops I see when I get off the train late on a Friday night and about 15 seconds walk from the local pub.
I guess all of that wishing payed off, cos a kebab shop opened up in that very shop a week or so ago.
Deb and I went to the Palace (our local pub) tonight to put the kebabs to the test. We figured, if we could get really drunk, have a kebab and not regret it 5 minutes later, it would get the seal of approval.
The lesson for this week is check the open hours of places you plan on visiting. Maybe it'll be kebabs next week instead

futurama

I just read that Futurama is being resurrected! 13 new epidodes are being made for Comedy Central.
When will Fox learn?

filler

It's been a while since I said anything worthwhile, and even longer since I've said anything interesting. With the number of times I've been drunk the last few weeks, you think there'd at least be a rant or two, maybe a treatise on the evil of 4 wheel drives, or a rambling tale of lust and perversion at the expense of the young catering students that have to walk past my office in the morning.

Nope.

Apathy is the catchword for this week.

I'm sure I'll get over it, but I don't really care either way at the moment :P

stadium arcadium

It's been four years or so since the Chili Peppers released By the Way. Like all of their past albums, it had a sound of it's own, but was a fairly predictable follow up to Californication (which took a while to grow on me, but is now part of my regular playlist).
Stadium Arcadium feels almost like a look to their past through older eyes. The energy they used to have is starting to wane, but in it's place is a comfortable, tight sound. Blood Sugar will always be my favourite album, but Stadium is not to be sniffed at. Tracks like the funky Hump de Bump, Warlock and Tell Me Baby are highlights, with Dani California, She's Only 18 and Turn Me On showing off John Frusciante's incredible guitar work. As they move away towards a more mellow style though, Flea doesn't get to spread his wings as much, being left to fill out the sound rather than lead it like he used to in tracks like If You Have to Ask and Suck My Kiss.

Overall, Stadium Arcadium is going to appeal more to new fans than old, but it's going to do well and deservedly so. The Red Hot Chili Peppers can still knock over the competition when they aren't even trying. If they tried just a little harder to funk it up, they could once again achieve greatness.

Verdict: Pretty damn good, but not life changing

halls gap

Deb's parents and her grandmother were over here for a holiday a few weeks ago. They went for a trip down the Great Ocean Road and then to Hall's Gap in the Grampians. I missed the first part of the trip, but met them in Hall's Gap after 4 or 5 days:

• 5.45am wake up at alarm to catch 8.15 train from Spencer st
• 7.30am wake up again without alarm
• 7.35am leave the house after brushing teeth, using loo and dressing simultaneously
• 7.42am catch a cab from Camberwell Station
• 7.58am arrive at Spencer St
• 8.01am buy ticket
• 8.25am find that the train to Ararat is delayed
• 9.10am leave Melbourne after standing on the platform for an hour
• 11.00am train terminates at Ballarat instead of going through to Ararat due to an accident the day before
• 11.10am manage to find the replacement coach that is going to Stawell
• 11.45am coach driver announces that VLine is paying for a cab to get me to Hall's Gap because the late train made me miss my bus
• 11.58am arrive in Stawell on the coach from Ballarat
• 12.45pm cab drops me off at the nearest pub to Hall's Gap
• 1.03pm my seafood basket arrives
• 2.20pm time to get to the accommodation as Deb is running late and won't be there for a few more hours
• 3.30pm find that the pub nearest to Hall's Gap was actually 4.5km from where we're staying, and I looked stupid walking around carrying a small suitcase
• 4.00pm Deb and co arrive. Long bloody day I tell you

Anyway, there were bushfires in the region earlier in the year, so everywhere you look are burnt trees and stumps. It's starting to regenerate though, so it looks pretty cool.
The attached photos are:
"Lake" Lonsdale
Burnt trees new growth
The Grampians from above
Some kind of flower. Apparently you can live on it, but it tastes like shit
Bottles in the Seppelt drives
A ladder under the old entry point for the drives
Some of the local wildlife
Deb at dinner on her folk's anniversary

lucky he wasn't drunk

Or he'd be legless as well
Armless Man Caught Speeding

iron man

We finally replace our crappy, leaking, hot and cold iron yesterday. Sick of leaving puddles on my work shirts, and tired of kneeling on the floor to iron them, we bought a new super iron and full sized ironing board. The tabletop board will be destroyed beyond repair shortly, but it was the iron's turn today.



Verdict: Fuck you iron

aac day

The Allowable Annual Cut is the volume of timber that may be harvested from a particular part of forest in any one year. It's a shame that the acronym was already taken, otherwise the organisers of the dawn service in Melbourne would have used it for their own purpose. They managed to remove New Zealand from everything but the word ANZAC, concentrating entirely on Australian soldiers.
I totally understand that I am a Kiwi living in Australia, so naturally there are bound to be some differences to how I see the world compared with Joe Ocker. I'm comfortable being mocked because of where I'm from, it's part of the territory, but to have my country's sacrifice completely ignored is really disappointing. Every other day of the year, fine, but on a day that is supposed to honour the bravery and loss of the Australian and New Zealand Army Corp, to not even hear the words New Zealand spoken aloud is almost offensive.

Lest we forget huh?

cabinet part ii

I couldn't help myself. I had to rig up a basic cardboard control panel to make sure everything worked properly. It did.



Verdict: peow peow

cabinet part i

Last week, I came across some great plans for a home arcade machine. This happened around the same time that I downloaded MAME and a bunch of old arcade games (Pacman, Streetfighter, Double Dragon etc). I figured that I need to have a project at home that doesn't involve beer, but does make me use my hands. Enter my Mame cabinet. It's essentially a computer set up to look like an arcade machine, except instead of just playing one game, it will be able to play ALL OF THEM.
This is close to what it's going to look like eventually:

I'm going to make it a kiwi theme, and put the silver fern down the side along with some other stuff that I haven't thought of yet. Actually, hang on, I'll stick the fern on there now.

I knew that if I looked into this project too much, I'd be put off by either the cost or the time invoved, or the fact that I don't have a workshop, so I went out to a warehouse in the middle of nowhere on Saturday and put things in motion. A few hundred dollars later, I'm in possession of two joysticks, a few dozen buttons and a circuit board which is basically an interface for everything.
My toolbox currently consists of a set of screwdrivers and a pair of pliers that Dad gave me the last time they were here, a Leatherman™, an old hacksaw and a hammer. Not really a big enough range of gear to make something 6 feet tall out of wood. Unless it was popsicle sticks...
Anyway, I went to a hardware shop today to start buying a few extras. Not being a fan of cheap and nasty, I came away with a trade quality drill and jigsaw. I'm sure the old man will be happy knowing that I bought Makita and not some knock off.
The next part is to sit down and actually design everything. The last time I worked with wood, I think I made a hand mirror at school when I was 11, so i's going to be a pretty steep learning curve. Luckily we live in the age of Google, so whatever I don't t know today, I will know by this time tomorrow, in seven languages, one of them probably Klingon (groan).

I figured this blog (geez, I hate that word!) would be the best way for me to keep track of how long I'm taking, and what I was thinking at certain points along the way. Looking back, I'll be able to pinpoint the exact day that I lost the tip of my finger in a routing accident, and how happy Deb was that I managed to get black paint all over her azaleas.

It's going to be an interesting journey.

my friend meloney

I thought it would be funny to see if we could grow a watermelon in a pot (from seed). We've done radishes and capsicums, but this is a bit different. The seed was planted a few months ago and now we have a vine that stretches at least 3 metres end to end (that's close to 10 feet in ye olde measurements).
Flowers have come and gone without bearing fruit, so I thought it was sterile, but this morning we noticed otherwise:

It's only as wide as a fingernail at the moment, but at least we now have a real, homegrown watermelon. The weather's turned crap, so it probably won't get much bigger, but I'm happy.

Verdict: nice melons

slaps

I recently created a database for my department that monitors peoples' productivity as well as having the ability to track turnaround times for various pieces of work. I managed to roll it out as the "Service Level Agreement & Productivity System" without noticing that the acronym was SLAPS. It’s too late to change now, so that’s how it’s going to stay.

Sweet

(P.S. I should also add that it wasn't my idea for the database. Where I work, people are rewarded for high productivity, and there had to be a fair way of measuring it)

it's a sign

I saw a sign on a shop door yesterday: “Back in 20 minutes”.

Seriously, what fucking use is that? What time did you leave? When should we send out the search party.

Idiot

the games

It seems odd that we booked our Commonwealth Games tickets almost a year ago, and now it's here! Well, it's half past here at the moment and I'm only just posting about the opening ceremony now. Perhaps I'll bullet point things, it'll be easier to write.

• The seats were great! We sat facing the ramp that all the atheletes came down
• There was a flying tram with wings... and other flying stuff...
  
• Something about a child's imagination, and a duck
• There were koalas there as well
• The Queen gave a speech
• atheletes
• fireworks
• ...
  

Anyway, I remember being impressed by it, but my memories fade pretty quicky. That's why I keep digital memories like these:


We also went to the womens gymnastics on Saturday, which would have been cool, but no one seemed able to stay on their feet! I caught a few of the offenders in action:


Next stop will be some athletics finals on Saturday back at the MCG. It's supposed to be a hot day, so fingers crossed for a nice evening.

god save the swagman

It was discovered last week (or thereabouts) that organisers of the Commonwealth Games wouldn't be playing God Save the Queen at the opening ceremony. What the hell? It's the COMMONWEALTH games and the QUEEN is going to be there who, like it or not, is Australia's head of state.

If I went out and mugged someone because I didn't see the relevance of police in a modern society, I'd be locked up. Even though I don't believe in the rules, I still need to live by them. Laws are put in place by politicians who are elected into that role by the people. The majority of people, which brings me to my next point:

In 1999, Australians had the choice to abandon the Queen in favour of a President, but this was rejected. Does this not mean that the majority of Australians like the idea of the monarchy? I agree that the concept is pretty outdated and can't see it surviving the next referendum, but at the moment that's the regime. Surely with the huge international profile that the games will have, Australia should be wary of how this will be viewed by the rest of the world, so far they're coming off as ill-mannered and disrespectful.

rain

There was a bit of rain here on Saturday.

"a bit of" = a hell of a lot of
"rain" = most of the world's water supply falling from the sky

It managed to force it's way in through the wall behind the oven, the top of the window frame in the bathroom and the ceiling in the lounge. No damage to our stuff though, so all is good.
I took this video outside from under an umbrella. If you listen at around 0.28 secs, there's a cool clap of thunder.


That is all

pump some iron

2 years, 3 months and 7 days... that's how much time had passed since I'd done any exercise that didn't involve carrying my washing machine up and down stairs. I realised this when me and Deb were putting together a photo album that included some taken of me in the midst of my clubbing career in London. I think if I tried doing an 8 hour doof session now, I'd either die of a heart attack, or my man boobs would jerk so hard they'd tear off from my neck down.
Which is why I've joined the gym. No more bitch tits, no more mono-ab, pack your bags fellas, you're off.
I've only been to 3 sessions so far, but I feel really good about it. The first few weeks are supposed to be the hardest, but this time around, I can't wait to get back. A few sore muscles here and there, but they disappear as soon as I walk through the door.
One thing I'd change though is the communal shower. The last time I showered with other guys was probably at intermediate, so it'll be a few more weeks before I forget that my junk is on show. Most people are obviously more than used to it, which is fine, but some of them stay in the shower for close to 20 minutes. If they aren't clean by that time, they aren't going to get clean. They're either there to perv at everyone, or to wave their third leg around. Surely there are places you can go to that specialise in that kind of thing?

stuff on the walls

After talking about it for ages, putting it off and changing our minds, we finally have a bit of colour on the walls here. It's nice to have something to break up the big blank spaces, especially knowing that they're both "original works".

The canvas print we ordered arrived last week. The lower right corner is a bit dark, but that's my fault for not setting up my monitor properly.



We have a bunch of photos that would look good on display, but didn't like any of the pre made photo frames that you can get, so we had one custom made. The photo doesn't do it justice, but the frame is matte black, with a canvas textured black photo mat with a white inner border. There's also a black mat without the border tucked away, so we can customise how it looks depending on what photo is in there. Wow, I didn't realise how boring that sounded until I read it again. I really need to get out more!
That said, something else I want to get done in the future is a set of four frames to hold some photos from my failed Monopoly™ project.

The original plan was to take photos of everything on the original Monopoly board and make my own board with photos. I managed to get about 9 pieces done before it was time to leave the country. Oh well.
Tune in next week for more exciting adventures.

storm in a teacup

stuff

When you don't have anything to say, it's nice to let the internet do the talking:

I love the idea of my wife
Beer Bot
Unintentionally sexual comic book covers
Blair & Bush at the Gay Bar