make it worth my while

Kmart has been running ads recently stating:

"If you find a cheaper price, we'll match it"

Ok. So I've been shopping around for and have found a place that sells x for $100.
If I decide to not buy it from this store, and instead go all the way back to Kmart, they will lower their price to match it. Not make it cheaper. Match it.

Now why the hell would I bother doing that? Make it worth my while! Give me another 5-10% off. Give me a $10 gift voucher. Offer to polish my bloody shoes. Something!

Step up or fuck off. Cheap bastards.

stupid fruits of the world #19: mango

If there's ever been a strong argument against intelligent design, it has to be the mango.

On the outside, it looks like a normal, easy to eat fruit, but no. To prepare it, you have to cut the "cheeks" off and to avoid wastage spend a further 5 minutes hacking slivers off the great big seed in the middle. It still looks tasty, so you inevitably try and nibble the remaining flesh off the seed, but instead end up with masses of hairy fibres between your teeth.



Verdict: fuck it, stick to apples

stupid fruits of the world #27: pomegranate

I bought a pomegranate at the supermarket the other week. I'd heard of them, but never actually seen one before, so thought I'd give it a shot.
What a shitty, messy waste of time that was! Ignoring the bright red juice that I had to wipe from the walls and scour from my hands, I couldn't eat much because it was sour and made my teeth furry.
What kind of person wants to pick hundreds of corn kernal-sized fleshy seeds out of a leathery husk while waiting for the juice to somehow migrate from the kitchen to the lounge carpet?

no internet

On Sunday, November the 5th, our internet connection fell over. I called our ISP who (as usual) was so busy that I had to leave my phone number on their voicemail system so they could call me back. I managed to speak to a real person on Tuesday, which was also Melbourne Cup day (a public holiday here). After running through all of the obvious tests (I guess they have to do that as a lot of people wouldn't be comfortable factory resetting their modem), he put me through to the next tier of technical support who in turn said that Telstra would call me on Wednesday to book in a technician to come round on the Thursday. No phone call until Friday evening when they said that someone would be around on Monday morning.

The Telstra guy was in the house for all of two minutes, then went to the exchange, fiddled around for a second and it was fixed.

Why didn't Telstra just try checking their end first? Why make me take half a day off work to wait for someone to verify that the problem wasn't at my end just as I'd told them from the start?

I don't really know where I was going with that story, but I just wanted to put the details down for when I try to get someone to pay for my week of missing broadband.

intestinal bypass

Yesterday I ate a dodgy chicken sandwich. I'm pretty sure it was the chicken sammie, but Deb had one from the same bird and felt fine.
I didn't feel fine.

I've spent most of my time in the toilet since 2pm yesterday and I've got to say I'm over it! My arse is red raw, proving that the all seeing all knowing "Intelligent" designer, royally fucked up when she designed my insides. Surely there's a better way to digest food than to melt it down with acid, and if not, why not make your sphincter a bit more bloody resilient? I would happily transplant the calluses on my heels onto my butt hole if I thought it would give me a bit of relief.
I mean what's the deal with designing me to enjoy eating curries and spicy food but punishing me when they come out again? Sometimes I swear that my insides see the vindaloo coming and rearrange things so that my intestines aren't even part of the equation. There's no chance in hell that curry can make it through 9 metres of twisted flesh tubing without losing any of it's heat!

Artist's Rendition:

fatty fat fat fat fatty fatty fat fat

There was a fat guy on my packed train today with a bag in one hand and a pack of Twisties in the other. He could have put away the salty snack treats to have a spare hand to hold on with. He instead chose to put his backpack down so he could gorge himself on crap. He almost fell over twice before Richmond, but only once he'd upended the Twisties, spilling the last crumbs into his gaping mouth (and down his front) would he wipe his hands on his jacket and grab a handle.

There's something about seeing big fat people eat that makes me nauseus. It's like watching someone stab themself in the chest with a knife, except you can't do anything about it without offending someone. Only about 2 percent of obese people can actually claim they have a glandular problem. The rest of them eat too fucking much. True story.
There should be a fat tax, where the higher bmi you have, the higher medicare surcharge you have to pay. People talk about taxing things like McDonald's and Coke to try and get people off the junk food, but has that worked with alcohol and tobacco? No. People drink more now than they used to and it's the health risks, not the cost that makes most people stop smoking. (I realise that booze and fag tax is just a cash cow for governments, but let's pretend you understand where I'm coming from)

Taxing products won't work, but if you're made to weigh in when filing your tax return, people might think twice about licking a chip packet to get the last grains of sugar and salt out of it. The fuckers that let themselves get too fat will end up getting stung at the end of the year. At the very least, they'll be too short of cash to impulse buy a couple of Snickers, at best they will look at changing their lifestyle to avoid the hefty tax bill every 12 months.

verdict: food for thought

ban comic sans

I thought I was alone, but I have found kindred spirits at bancomicsans.com.
From restaurant menus to staff newsletters to school exams, Comic Sans has pervaded society to the point of suffocation. In 10 short years it has become the default font for the majority of people across every profession. I remember a real estate company in London who used it for their logo. Imagine seeing this shit in metre tall letters...
Join me in getting this font off all documents and signage. It should only ever be on kids toys or kindergarten newsletters (note, not school websites. Sorry Andy Bay School, you really have to get rid of that purple comic font. Pull your web designer out of their maths class for 5 minutes and get them to change it.)